I know that she won’t remember this but when little Hazel, my granddaughter came to visit us in Crookhaven in West Cork at the end of this summer I took her by the hand and we went up the narrow little road that runs behind our house on a special mission.
I wanted to create a little memory, the start of an annual tradition that we could share, just the two of us.
On this peaceful little road we picked blackberries together and filled a little carton between us. In between the blackberry picking she was just as fascinated by the loose gravel on the road. She was carefully examining the different shapes and placing the more interesting ones in with the blackberries in the carton.
She is not quite two yet (that is in October), but she was clever enough to know the difference between the blackberries that were ripe enough to pick and those that should be left to ripen some more, and just like other children as many were consumed on the spot as were placed in the carton.
When I first heard that my granddaughter was born (we were sitting up front at a John Spillane gig at The White Horse Bar and Restaurant when the text came through), as well as being overjoyed I had these idyllic notions about seeing her every week and I would be an adored grandad !
However, with these busy lives that we all lead the get togethers have all been very hit and miss but I do think that this little tradition of picking blackberries might be the perfect thing for us to do together each year, or at least until she can remember them…
“Do you remember when we used to pick blackberries together in West Cork?” she might say to me some day….”I sure do“
After the blackberry picking, I picked up the carton with berries and gravel, and little Hazel with her face covered in purple juice took my hand and we strolled back to the house together.
We started a new tradition, but she hasn’t quite realised that yet!
Hazel, my granddaughter was one year old recently- where did that year fly to?!
I’ve carefully watched Brendan and Ayla looking after this little treasure and it definitely seems to be quite a different scenario for parents today compared to when I was a young dad.
With the nature of their work (and some COVID thrown into the bargain) both Brendan and Ayla have been able to spend equal time with Hazel, enjoying every little change in her, and why not ?!
If you ignore their particular set of circumstances and imagine life as a “normal” working couple, things would have been quite different.
Ayla would have taken her 26 weeks paid maternity leave and then had to make a decision to extend that by another 16 weeks and then possibly another few weeks. All in all she could spend a year at home with Hazel unless she decided to stop working for a while.
Watching Ayla, I can only imagine how hard it would be for any mother to return to work after spending all of that exclusive time with their baby.
As for Brendan, he would have been able to take his two weeks leave at the beginning and that would be that – his daddy time would be when he gets home from work and weekends.
I can see how he has treasured the last year with Hazel and how amazing is that, but in truth he was one of the very lucky dads.
If you bring “work” into the equation in that normal situation, there would have been huge career disruption for Ayla, and not so much for Brendan.
On one side of the coin there is precious time with the new baby, but with that comes career disruption and on the other side there is little baby bonding time and no career disruption.
What’s the alternative, is there a better way, or is this the only practical solution to bringing our precious children into this world of ours?
Watching Brendan and Ayla with Hazel I think it’s only fair that society creates an equal opportunity for both to be parents and for both to share that precious first year.
Except for the obvious “biological” leave at the beginning, there should be an equal / sharing of the leave, allowing both to enjoy parenting and maintain their careers at the same time
While this might seem like a radical idea to us in Ireland, it is the norm in the Scandinavian countries, and you can understand why.
So, for all the Brendan and Ayla’s out there, maybe some day it could be like that for new parents in Ireland!
“Welcome” I said and I reached out to hug her to make her feel welcome.
Suddenly I had an aggressive finger being pointed in my face and eyes of fire glaring back at me.
“I don’t do hugs” she said.
I stood there for a few seconds quite confused, thinking this was some kind of a joke, until I realised it wasn’t!!
I was totally taken aback as this is a person we knew and would have considered to have had a “good” relationship with before this interaction, and in fact there would have been routine goodbye hugs the last time we had met.
This incident happened many years ago and at the time it totally floored me. My nature is to be warm and friendly and a “signal” of this would have been a hug, one of my ways of conveying a genuine welcome.
Instead of reflecting on what I considered to be the positive aspects (at least I thought so) of my personality, I did the opposite and ever since greetings have been cautious and it has brought out a much more guarded Greg. And of course then we had Covid, which added an even bigger barrier between people and how we greeted each other.
Walking the dog with my headphones on just this weekend, I stumbled upon an episode of the wonderful podcast, ‘Heavyweight’ called “Cody” , which touched on the subject of hugs and I am so grateful for what I heard.
Basically, a kid who lost his mum suddenly received a random, huge hug from his football coach who he barely knew and he claims that it changed his life.
He was lost and hurting and this hug was exactly what he needed from someone, in fact anyone, and his coach delivered just that.
Neither of these men were “huggers” but they both realised at big moments in their lives, the power of a genuine hug, and since then it is part of their daily practice to be generous with warm hugs to their friends and colleagues and also, not to be afraid to say “I love you” when it’s appropriate.
To the producers of this podcast, thank you and to anyone I have had an encounter with since that very odd interaction, I sincerely apologize for being guarded and I hope you were still made to feel welcome by me.
February of this year was heart-breaking for the whole family as Liam, Dee’s older brother passed away very unexpectedly from an illness that we all expected him to fully recover from. You can just imagine the deep shock and sorrow experienced by everyone in the family as well as by his friends and colleagues.
As I sat with the family in the church in Tralee for the funeral mass it was so comforting to see friends and family paying their respects and I was very surprised to see my buddy, Fr. John Aherne on the altar with the local priest.
Fr. John had agreed to marry Rachel (Liam’s daughter) and Michael that year and he popped along to support and offer some comfort – he’s not from the parish and went out of his way to be there, despite having his own obligations that morning. This kind gesture meant so much to us and the family.
Despite the family not being very religious or regular churchgoers, I was really impressed how the local priest officiated the funeral mass, this incredibly sad occasion, and how well he had prepared with so much information about Liam and the legacy he left behind. He brought him to life in a special way and helped everyone on this tough day.
Sadly I found myself in Dungarvan for another funeral a month later. My uncle Noel passed away while mountain climbing with friends and it was clear from the sheer number of attendees how he touched so many lives with his work as a teacher and the general work that he did in the community, in particular for those with special needs.
Noel, wasn’t “a believer”, he wasn’t a regular churchgoer and yet again I was so impressed by the expertise of the priest who officiated the funeral mass and how he brought Noel to life in conjunction with the family and their beautiful eulogies.
And less than a month later I was at yet another funeral. My cousin Christopher, a young man who lost his battle with cancer. I witnessed yet another priest expertly officiating the funeral mass and honouring his life and legacy.
Three different priests and my friend, Fr.John, all incredible professionals operating at the top of their game, performing the most delicate of tasks for people when they are at their most vulnerable.
There is such a balance between holding the hand of those family members that are in deep sorrow and at the same time celebrating the life of the beloved person that we have lost.
A few weeks later and I’m back in church again but this time it is for a wedding!
It’s the wedding of Rachel and Michael, a happy occasion but also a very sad and emotionally raw one because Liam wasn’t there and it was still so close after he had passed.
We met Fr.John the night before for dinner and I asked him about how he was going to approach this special occasion because it did carry that huge weight of sadness – there was no getting away from it.
He didn’t go into any detail but he said he had it covered.
Rachel and Michael came to the altar with the best man, Robert and the bridesmaids at the beginning of the ceremony.
You could feel the huge weight of sadness in the church as well as the sense of celebration.
..and Fr. John began
“I’d like to welcome you all here for the wedding of Rachel and Robert”
Rachel gave Fr. John a look, whispered loudly “It’s Michael” and the whole church spontaneously burst into laughter.
The tension was broken, we were allowed to laugh and while the sorrow never left us we were able to celebrate the special and very happy occasion.
Fr.John spoke about Liam throughout and reassured us that he was there with us celebrating.
When I spoke to him after about his huge “gaffe” he promised me that this had never happened to him before but he told me that “God works in mysterious ways” – he is right!
We never (at least I hadn’t) really consider the special role of our priests in these happy and sad occasions, and like all of the jobs that we do every day, this is their profession.
In a strange way on these huge occasions they are like the event organiser and the MC all rolled into one and what I witnessed was four different priests in different locations who each are experts at what they do.
I’m not very religious. I don’t go to mass but I do see and value the very special work that these special men do for all us.
Thank you Fr. John Aherne.
Greg
Greg Canty is a Principal of Fuzion Communications, a full service Marketing and PR agency with offices in Dublin and Cork, Ireland.
We have many of those special days throughout our lives including personal life moments, great gigs, famous Liverpool wins and even that day I scored the winner in a final of a school match where we were the total underdogs (I am probably the only one who remembers that match!).
Today is going to be another very special day because my granddaughter who I have never seen in person before comes home to Ireland from New Zealand where she was born last October.
The day Hazel was born was very special – we were at a John Spillane gig at the wonderful venue upstairs at The White Horse when the news came through on the 7th October that she was born, and while becoming a “granddad” waves in the beginning of another stage of life it was quiet overwhelming in a way that was different to everything else that came before.
There was that sense of relief that baby and mum were doing good and the elation that knowing another part of you has joined us in the crazy world of ours (and at such a crazy time).
The time since she was born has been quite strange as we have had to experience her through a mix of photos and videos online and in a way, sadly this has become the norm and five months later sometimes it’s hard to believe that I do actually have a granddaughter when they are so far away.
It must be so hard for anyone who has family and friends, who for whatever reason have decided to choose a life in a different country – quite simply I think the personal cost is too much.
I decided to write this piece today to capture my thoughts before Brendan and Ayla come home and I see little Hazel for the first time because I know that life won’t quite be the same once I see her!
I was 57 last Friday and I was determined to do a few very simple things on the day.
I walked the dogs first thing as I always do with Dee – they love getting out!
The intention was to not work at all but I was busy with some client commitments, but I like what I do so that was more than ok.
I met mum for lunch – nothing fancy but it was great to see her.
Ellen my daughter popped by to say hello, which was great.
I popped in next store to say hello to our fantastic neighbours and their two kids – such special people.
And we popped down to the local, The White Horse with friends for dinner and drinks and while I was there Brendan, my son rang and we chatted briefly and I got to see little Hazel, my granddaughter over WhatsApp – they will be back from New Zealand in the next two weeks.
After dinner we came back to the house for a night cap – everyone was tired so it was just the one.
Before going to bed I checked my phone and returned the many messages with birthday wishes from friends and family.
That was it, another birthday spent with Dee and some of the other special people in my life and the two dogs of course.
While it is easy to get a little bit down with each passing year (and those numbers getting bigger!!) all I could feel this year was huge gratitude for being around to see another one and for spending it in a relatively safe country.
(God love the poor woman pictured above as she left her home and belongings in Mariupol in Ukraine – it makes no sense)
It doesn’t feel like a very romantic day with all of that love in the air.
Dee’s brother Liam, a very special man passed this day last week after an illness which cruelly took his life at the young age of 64.
She adored her brother who she says at times was like a dad to them when they were growing up, the person they would call if they were sad, scared, upset or when they fell down.
The sadness is heavy, really heavy not just for Dee but for all of the family – it’s awful watching heart’s breaking and there is really nothing you can do but just be there.
So today doesn’t feel like the day for cards, roses and gestures but then again is that the whole point of love?
I always say that the best of fun is the worst of tears – the deep sadness ultimately comes from that deep love and at some point those two will travel together.
So while I’m not making a great case for cards, roses, romantic gestures and candlelit dinners on this special day, I do want to make a case for the love that does not necessarily go with those things but is just as important. I could see that real love from friends and family over the last few really hard weeks.
So today tell your friends, your family, your neighbours, your pets and anyone who plays a special part in your life that you love them and say a prayer or raise a glass to those who aren’t physically here anymore but live on in our hearts.
It doesn’t have to be a candlelit dinner to be love (…if it is treasure it!)
I was casually chatting with my daughter Ellen today and as part of our usual chit chat I asked her how her week was going.
“A bit sad dad, one of the kids in the school passed away this week” she said to me.
While this is a conversation that would floor any of us, in Ellen’s world it is sadly one that gets repeated with an unbearable frequency.
Ellen works as a special needs assistant in a school in Cork, whereby they look after very special kids with all sorts of disabilities.
A very sad fact of life is that often they suffer from poor health and they don’t get to enjoy the full life that all of our kids have and on occasion their lives come to an end when they are still in that school going age.
Ellen says this boy was a loveable rogue and quite the character and was well known and loved by everyone in the school.
They put up a tribute wall for him with photos of him since his time in the school and while it is heart breaking hopefully he can feel their love as he makes his way to his mum who passed away a number of years before. (Ellen tells me he always asked people about how their mum was)
Those lucky enough who are blessed with health and healthy children might stop for a moment and think about these special children, their families and the people who devote their hearts and careers to minding them.
Rest in peace, the honorary Garda Sean Tyrell and thoughts and prayers for his family, friends, teachers and carers.
And thank you my daughter for that huge kind heart of yours – the world needs more of you.
I used to look at those pictures of loved ones who had passed; Grandads, Grandmas, all sorts of old folk and some younger folk who went before their time, and we used look at them on that mantlepiece, and when we had a moment we would pause and think about them as we went about whatever business we were doing at the time.
They are always there, a gentle reminder that they were once alive and very real and I do remember when they were with us, laughing, joking, telling stories, full of life and as real as you and me, but not any more.
I remember when they passed and it was very painful and there were many tears and a sense of deep loss and emptiness, but with the passage of time we started to cope and a new life without them became the norm, but of course that photo on the mantlepiece is always there to remind us.
I touch that photo and say “hello” and say “I love you” and “I miss you” and then I walk away and get on with my day or whatever I was doing before I stopped and paused.
I look at that photo on that mantelpiece and see that it is me in the photo and I am confused.
Am I the young man full of life, going about my business and looking at the photo of people on the mantlepiece who have passed or has my time gone and is that me in the photo?
We get one chance at this thing called life and we can’t go back – make the most of it.
We were having the usual conversation except the only sticking point was that they wanted a full day session with their group and I was trying to discourage this.
I find that if you stay at training too long then people get tired and what they learn in the morning they end up forgetting in the afternoon. It’s best if they get a chance to slowly digest, process and try it out for themselves.
I normally suggest half day sessions, when everyone stays fresh and then allowing a week in between so that everyone can practice and then come back to progress further.
“It must be on the one day because we have the hotel booked” she said.
It was only then that the penny dropped and I understood why she wanted it on the same day.
This threw me as I hadn’t been faced with this in a long time and I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about it.
Ok, lets do it ..
As it turned out there was a mix up with the hotel booking on their end and the training was cancelled (after all that !!) and while I was disappointed a big part of me was delighted!
I wasn’t looking forward to the prospect and disruption of it.
Travelling and delivering training sessions in person was part and parcel of the last 10 years (pre Covid), but the truth of it is that I have been doing this from the comfort of my little home office (converted bedroom) for the last 16 months and it works really well.
It’s convenient for me and participants, I’ve tweaked my delivery for online and it works really well, it’s cost effective and it also means they get a fresh “Greg” who isn’t after driving for a few hours and all that goes with it.
The big conversation that I was having with myself was “how inconvenient and pointless” that travelling/in person/ hotel experience would be compared to the very convenient way that I have replaced it with, and with no negative impact on the learning experience.
However, I do love the face to face in person training and as a social creature I love the energy you get back from a “live” group and the special learning dynamic that can happen. This will always have it’s place but only when necessary.
I know my simple example of this in person training session will be replicated very soon with so many of those things we have all been doing in the course of our work while working from home.
People have had to take on board new work habits which are now deeply embedded and there are parts about these that are very convenient as well as being cost and life effective and they won’t want to give them up too easily.
We can all talk about hybrid but this could be a very slow and long road back to the office and we need to be really careful to preserve what is working because it is possible to get the job done and ….
Greg Canty Fuzion Blog 